I’m not sure what my life in Zhangye will be like but I accept that I can’t figure that out now. After four days I was feeling slightly depressed and realized that I am three weeks from moving to a city that I’m just not feeling. Not that Zhangye is a bad city but all I had been able to focus on was what it lacked from the climate to shopping to its proximity to, well…everyone else I have met in the past two months.
My friends already know I am a person who thinks that my frame of mind can cast light or shadow on my reality. So, I made the effort to examine my thinking and use it as an opportunity to burn off some karma. My breakthrough came last night. It all unfurled after dinner when I decided to take a walk by myself.
I knew going for a walk alone would be tricky because Tian Jr. and Wei Yuxi had been by my side in all endeavors since day one. When I walked towards the door to reach for my shoes they looked frightened.
“Where do you want to go?” asked Wei Yuxi.
“I want to go for a walk and I want to go alone, “ I told her sweetly.
Our Chinese host families take their responsibility to care for us very, very seriously and personally. Our well-being is treated as a reflection on them. It is important to them that I eat enough food, that I am safe, and that I am enjoying my stay in China. If that is not happening the family could “lose face.” Which is a lot easier to recover from in America than it is here in China.
Before my host family could analyze my declaration of independence as me wanting to be away from them, I tried to lighten it up with smiles and a laugh. I also assured them that they had spent four days walking with me all over town and because they were such great hosts I knew exactly how to get around by myself. I finished that statement off with, “ What is your apartment number and how do I get back into the house?”
I put on my shoes and headed out the door. When I turned to shut it all four of the Tian family were looking at me with mouths wide open. I pointed at them and laughed, “Mei Wenti, Mei Wenti” /No Problem. They relaxed…just a little. Instantly I felt bad for making these kind folk worry about their Meiguo ren (American), but I knew I had to press on.
On my walk I just wanted to be with my own thoughts and feelings – to figure out what was blocking me from the thrill of being in a totally livable city. I walked through campus and let the cool breeze lap across my face, my neck, my hands. As I started to relax the feelings came up. I just missed everybody – from Jude (my niece) to Kevin (my new classmate) to Nzinga (my newest best friend). I missed being in relationships where people know me well enough to share their life’s adventures and trials with me. Although the generosity and graciousness of the Tian family has been astounding, there were still those moments when silence sat between us daring us to enter into each other’s language. There were moments of embarrassment when I clogged their toilet from using too much toilet paper. I must have gone to the bathroom one hundred times. The weather in Zhangye is high desert dry and sunny. I was drinking water as fast as I could and loading up on watermelon in the afternoon. The bottom line is that I used too much toilet paper too often for their toilet and Wei Li had to plunge it. Totally embarrassing! It’s a very uncomfortable experience to meet a family from a culture with very particular norms and within three days of knowing them clog their toilet.
All of those experiences as an outsider had me longing to be an insider to someone, but it wasn’t happening…until…
After my walk I caught up to where Wei Li was doing her community dance class in an outdoor courtyard. I stepped in for a few minutes and tried to mimic the movements of the other ladies. It took a lot of coordination but I only had a little. We walked home together across the campus in the dark. I hummed the song we had been dancing to and that made her smile.
When we got to the house her younger brother was there sitting and smoking cigarettes with Tian Laoshi (Laoshi = Professor). Her younger brother is a character and immediately he had me cracking up laughing. It was that unique cross-lingual humor where I know exactly what I am laughing at and at the same time I have no idea. Didi (little brother) and Mei Mei (little sister) were running back and forth into the computer room trying to translate between the two of us. As it turns out, JuJu (Uncle) drives foreign teachers to nearby tourist destinations. He drives them to Buddhist sites. When the kids came out to translate Buddhism, Didi told me,” My mom is a Buddhist.” I looked at Wei Li and she looked at me. “I am a Buddhist!” I said to Wei Li. We pointed to each other back and forth verifying that we were both Buddhists. Then she took me to her display case and showed me various books, lectures and audio-recordings. She showed me a pack of cards. Mei Mei hands them over to me and says,” Auntie wants you to have them, but she says do not play with them. You must cherish them.”
I began to look at the cards. All were images from a city called Don Huang. In Don Huang there is a grotto where sculptures and wall paintings of Buddha and boddhisatvas are carved. This is an ancient heritage site with many of the pieces being created in 275 B.C. The images are amazing. 
Then Tian Laoshi opens up a world atlas and begins to trace for me the migration route of Buddhism. His index finger begins in India and then traces an arc of two cities that leads to Zhangye. Zhangye, he says, and the city of Xi’An are the gateway cities that brought Buddhism to China.
We all sat in silence for a few seconds. This time it was the silence of understanding and connection. That moment released a lot of my anxiety about moving to Zhangye. It made me feel like there is something here to discover more than just where to make photocopies and buy vegetables. Zhangye is a corridor along the Silk Road ushering Buddhism into the fold of world religions. Fascinating! I also felt connected to Wei Li and her family. We were not able to communicate any better through language but our relationship took a turn towards a place beyond words.
Beautiful. But I should expect no less from you, my dear.
Love,
Edie
I envy you. We were in Datong! if you get a break go see the grottos in datong. I am still very excited for you.
terry